LUMICRON CAPTURE | DRAZUNMUHR
KING YUGOR UPON SEEING THE HEADS OF HIS KIN
“Blood begets blood.”
With the latest rumors of Rian Johnson’s trilogy, his abomination The Last Jedi, and Disney wondering where their male audience went, it’s time to exhume this old post and present it for fresh eyes.
Star Wars was always about family. Legacy, blood, and betrayal, just given through the lens made for 12-year-olds. The Last Jedi killed that—not with one stroke, but with seventy-seven sins. The hard part’s just getting started. We’re past the point of mercy. Let’s see the blood of it.
Opening:
Sin number one, not addressing the devastating setback from TFA.
Starkiller base, the First Order, the Resistance. Enough said. If you say, "well, it wasn't a setback, obviously," then I’d say the New Republic is the biggest moron in the galaxy. That means the FO is a much more significant threat than the Empire.
Sin two: approaching SW as a comic, campy, popcorn flick with forced banter, your momma jokes, and overacting. As a writer, I would’ve never written it.
Sin three: ignoring science. There’s no gravity in space, ergo the bombs wouldn't have dropped!
Sin four: no sentimentality. Luke Skywalker—the crotchety, hermit Jedi who tossed a relic lightsaber away after Rey held out her arm for two years. From the aforementioned opening, I expected, “Did you find a hand with that?”
Another note is Luke's mechanical hand. Where's the skin, dude? Why didn't you get it covered back up? How is it still working after being on this humid-as-hell planet? Rust much?
Also, holy shit, it's his dad's lightsaber, and he chucked it? And Ben gave it to him.
Sin five: ignoring more science, water, salt, humidity, and the metal in his mechanical hand.
Sin six: we never got the answer to how or why Maz had it in TFA.
Characters | Locations | Storylines:
Kylo Ren/ Ben Swolo.
Sin seven: Why did you destroy your personification in the first film? Snoke made fun of you, so you got rid of your helmet? For getting rid of the helmet, because now it means nothing to you?
Eight: for giving into Snoke's belittlement.
Nine: the unnecessary shirtless scene.
Betraying Finn.
Could've been a cool character with an astonishing story arc of sacrifice ... until Johnson screwed him.
Sin Ten: doing Finn and the fans dirty, and shoveling in a Disney ending.
Eleven: defying physics with the untimely save by Rose.
Twelve: the terrible one-liner, the kiss that knocked her out, and screwing over the Resistance.
Thirteen: For not having watched Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and knowing that "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one."
Fourteen: For Rose standing in awe of Finn, then tasing him in disgust, to falling in love within two days.
Fifteen: For the character of Rose being more hated than Jar Jar.
The casino planet.
This story shouldn't have happened, like … at all, and it did only because of bad storytelling.
Sin sixteen: forced-poignancy for social justice on the casino planet.
Seventeen: They accomplished nothing, didn’t reveal or build character, and it was all for naught.
Eighteen: Vice Admiral Holdo, the most incompetent Resistance commander ever. Keep your troops informed.
Nineteen: Poe said, "Let's destroy the ship," and Rose and Finn were like, "Nah, even if you did, that wouldn't work," which set off the whole stupid quest. And guess what? The ship was destroyed.
Twenty: Epic fail for not accomplishing anything that added gravity or substance.
Captain Phasma
Her lame death is sin twenty-one.
Not explaining how she survived? Sin twenty-two.
Killing her with 5 minutes of screen time: twenty-three.
Having her be the leader of stormtroopers but dying to the janitor? Sin twenty-four.
Holdo the Incompetent.
My. God.
Sin twenty-five: for being a terrible leader who cared more about cutting the pilot’s balls off rather than keeping them informed.
Twenty-six: being unable to intuit dissension among the ranks (that’s a bad leader).
Twenty-seven: "Someone needs to fly the ship." Are you kidding me? Never heard of freaking autopilot?
Deus Ex Machina.
The twenty-eighth sin—the old Rebel base that popped up out of nowhere.
Twenty-nine: for not sharing the plan with everyone, saving us from a terrible side quest, and being the worst commander in the SW franchise, more than Admiral Ozzel.
Snoke is smoke.
Sin thirty: setting up a character as the next emperor and then unceremoniously kill him off at a random time.
Thirty-one: not explaining Snoke’s origins.
Thirty-two: able to connect Rey and Kylo's mind in a Force FaceTime, but not sense Kylo's imminent betrayal.
Princess Leia.
Sin thirty-three: surviving in outer space, while flying in the face of science and established lore—excuse me, Expanded Universe lore.
Lightspeed as a weapon.
Sin thirty-four: weaponizing a ship that renders all other space battles obsolete.
Thirty-five: Holdo being the “first person” in the 25,000 year Galactic History to think of it.
Thirty-six: negates every SW movie up till now.
Thirty-seven: Not using this maneuver at the beginning of TLJ against the massive dreadnaught.
Thirty-eight: By not doing the above, killing all your bombing pilots at the beginning of the movie.
Yoda Memberberries.
Sin thirty-nine: A pep talk that makes Luke phone it in by staying home in his pajamas? Really?
Lightsaber mechanics—sin forty.
Mechanics of the activation plate on a lightsaber. The little nob at the top of the lightsaber is not the activation plate, but the lens adjuster for the crystals within, which allows for blade length adjustment. The activation plate is about halfway down the hilt of the saber, where Luke and Anakin activated it countless times in the movies.
So why do Finn and Rey always turn it on at the top?
It's irritating.
Sin forty-one: Where’s Luke's lightsaber?
I doubt he'd destroy it. He kept his X-wing in the ocean.
Forty-two: In his Force projection, he had his father's lightsaber, not his own—which, if you want to get serious, reinforces why he wouldn't have chucked it over his shoulder, but more importantly, his green blade would put a crap-ton more fear into Kylo.
Luke and Rey.
Sin forty-three: Rey, a poorly conceived character and a Mary Sue. Here’s the definition I’m using:
"Mary Sue is beautiful but unique, as is her cool, exotic name. She's exceptionally talented in a wide variety of ways, seemingly a master of multiple crafts with little to no training and possesses skills that are rare or nonexistent to other characters in the story. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant, character flaws. What flaws are possessed are considered endearing more than actual flaws. More often than not, these types of characters are used for author inserts or wish fulfillment. There are both male and female versions of this trope. Mary Sue is derogatory because she's so perfect that it makes for lame storytelling."
From above, Rey fits.
She …
44: can fly a ship (her first time btw),
45: sabotage the vessel,
46: fix said ship while taking off,
47: fly through hyperspace without education on how to make calculations;
48: speaks Wookie and droid;
49: an excellent shot with a pistol,
50: can wield a lightsaber,
51: hold her own against a trained Jedi or Sith acolyte, and Snoke's bodyguards.
52: use the Force to mind control others, snatch objects, overpower other Force wielders,
53: clear out a hundred boulders with ease;
54: outmaneuver trained TIE pilots.
In gamer terms, she's OP AF.
Please, explain how Rey can do all this!
Imagine if the roles were reversed, and Adam Driver played Ray, a badass dude from nowhere who kicked the shit out of Kyla Ren (Daisy) with no training. How much criticism would he receive?
All of this would equate to Luke defeating Vader in ANH.
Sin fifty-five: not addressing how odd it was that Han seemed to recognize Rey? Just me?
Fifty-six: her backstory, and the shitty way it was delivered.
Fifty-seven: For not remembering that her parents flew off in a nice ship, leaving Rey on Jakku—which negates the whole drink money thing.
Jake Skywalker.
Sin Fifty-eight: for not listening to Mark Hamill being critical of Rian Johnson’s decisions.
Fifty-nine: for Disney shutting him up and also being deaf. Who else would know better beside George Lucas or Mark Hamill?
Sixty: For Mark Hamill not sticking to his guns and telling Johnson, "Fix this garbage you call a story."
Sin Sixty-one: Luke wants to kill Ben.
Sixty-two: Making Luke, an optimistic character trying to redeem his father throw that out the window because of “bad dreams.”
Sixty-three: making Ben a “lost cause” when his grandfather murdered children, attacked fellow Jedi, engaged in domestic abuse (Force choked Padme when it wasn't kinky-time), killed countless rebels, decimated an entire planet, and committed genocide.
Sin sixty-four: making a Jedi commit, or think about committing murder out of anger or emotion.
Luke as a failure.
Sin sixty-five: retreading over the deadbeat trope used on Han Solo in TFA, and regurgitated in the last Indiana Jones movie.Order Sin Sixty-six: going into hiding and cutting himself off from the Force.
Sixty-seven: having him mope for years without trying again.
Sixty-eight: not realizing the error of leaving a “map” to be found, and “I came here to die.”
Luke's Astral Projection.
Sin Sixty-nine: projections don't work on droids. Threepio shouldn't have seen Luke.
Seventy: Wirework during the lightsaber fight between Kylo and Luke. Still looks terrible.
Seventy-one: Dying from projection exhaustion.
Seventy-two: the dice should’ve faded immediately, not hang around for another five to ten minutes to be found by Kylo.
Seventy-three: Killing Luke off, and further, keeping it that way after Carrie Fisher had died in real life. You had time to fix it. Dumbasses.
Random entry: Ben Solo.
Sin Seventy-four: naming their son Ben without a strong connection to Obi-Wan.
The most prominent sin of all: Ego.
Ego is the seventy-fifth sin.
Ego ruined TLJ. Rian Johnson scraped the plans, the outline, the focal points, the staples set in place. Did Johnson fancy himself a better writer than the screenwriter for ESB?
The disconnect between the final product and the fans should tell you something.
One, have a better plan when making a trilogy, and two, when you possess a template, don't toss it out because you "are in charge now."
Plot matters, as does character, their development, and consistency.
Sin seventy-six: Kathleen Kennedy needed a much tighter rein on Johnson, kinda like she had on those directors she fired for the Solo movie.
Sin seventy-seven: for not firing Kathleen Kennedy years ago for running a franchise into the ground, chasing away the customer, and stabbing Lucas in the back.
To be honest, when Disney killed the EU, I had already checked out, but I was partially optimistic. There’s nothing they can do to bring me back unless they retcon everything, recast Han, Luke, and Leia, and start over. I have my own thoughts on how they can save Star Wars, and it’s probably not what you think.
This isn’t just about Star Wars. This is about what happens when storytellers forget that character and legacy matter more than ego. In my work, legacy is the blade that cuts the deepest.
Seventy-seven sins, and one corpse: a franchise disemboweled. The lesson isn’t just for Disney. It’s for any writer who thinks ego outweighs story, characters, or fans.
It doesn’t.
The wound’s still open, but I’ve said enough. For now. That’s all I got for this round—short, sharp, and sweet. I shall return…